Eeeeee

God there are so many mistakes on this blog.

I bug MYSELF reading all this. How depressing and illiterate!

Ouash!

; )

maybe I'm back maybe I'm not. Guess I'll just have to wait and see..!

Resemblance, Demons & loss off control.

Hi..!

I've been gone. A long time. It's cool. Tons have happened. Between my last post and now I've been through, 3 breakups (with the same person), 1 move, 1 travel abroad, 3 great job opportunities, alot of confusion, a sprained ankle, a very peculiar birthday diner, bad holidays and the purchase of a 198$ elliptical that I built myself (with the help of Cody but I was supervising and figured out the problems each time there was something wrong. So really I built it.)

I'll be brief on everything, maybe I'll skip parts too. I don't know why today I felt like writing again, but I've been longing to be creative again and refuse to force inspiration on myself. I guess writing is a good start.

The breakups have happened just the same as they have before. 1 man tormented by all that has happened to him earlier in his life refuses to trust anyone completely, including me. This refusal creates tons of issues seeing as I am a very trusting person and don't always understand people's hate for other people. The first breakup was so full of passion, I hated the moment but I fed off of it. I love a good cry an words that you remember for the rest of your life. 2 more have happened 1 before the holidays and the last, right smack in the middle of em. I had a shitty Christmas, but my family is lovely so I guess it wasn't all bad. The words were exchanged, so now I know. He's getting more used to saying them more often too. I've seen a great improvement in his trust for me. And his control on his demons that usually come out on those nights were life is  a bit harsher on him and the ones we don't spend sleeping in the same bed. It scares me all the time, but his words are changing and instead of always saying it's him against the world, he now says it's him against the world but I'm here. A very good improvement I believe. It's mad how much I'm stupid dumb for him. I feel proud standing next to him, I want to own a house with him, I need to always have a quarter inch of skin touching his, I feel safe from his towering figure next to me and I've never wanted someone to be happy and get well so bad.

I've been going on a Natalie Portman marathon every since I saw Black Swan, although I'm really not sure where I stand on the greatness of this movie. I thought the artistic vision was beautiful and Natalie Portman can sure play a wonderfully annoying, low self esteem adult-child but alot of it seemed overdone or just plain tacky. But whatever. I finally saw Closer last night. And this one too.. I'm not sure if I enjoyed it or not. It's usually what I'm into but maybe being in this relationship, I've become somewhat suspicious of everyone and it left me feeling unsure of almost everything. What was worst is that by the end of the movie, I realized I was Alice - Or really Jane Jones. it disarmed me how much we are alike. I don't know how many times I've lied, used a different name, or just haven't told everything I knew. I have cheated and loved in the fault, I've wanted to start over, I always want to leave but in all this, I know exactly who I am. It's just I don't want anyone to know EVERYTHING about me. I had a midnight talk with an amazing girl, one of my good friends this winter. I told her alot of things I haven't told anyone, but still, she doesn't know everything. No one does. I'm so scared of being controlled. As soon as I feel stuck in a dead end or that I'm relying on someone other than me, I leave. I've done it many times. I think that's why I never tell anyone everything. But I've been pretty good on this blog. No you don't know everything, but you sure know a great deal of what has happened to me since last May at least. What came before... well that's not for the light-hearted..! Just kidding. But not really. Oh! On a different note, has anyone seen Crash? It's in my top 5 movies now. I was amazed by it.

Between the breakup, my roommate, sorry ex-roommate Audrey, decided she would finally lose it on me, just like she did with everyone else. I didn't want to go out on NYE. I felt like shit and only wanted to be with one person but couldn't. Our other roommate was throwing a party at a loft and Audrey was gonna tend the bar for him. I won't got in details but what happened is that, out of her good nature, she lied to me, trying to get me out of the house, but telling me she had told our roommate I was also going to work the bar so I had to be there. When I caught her lying, she went straight to her room then came back out and ignored me until she left. What she did when she went to her bedroom was post in her status some awful message about people constantly letting you down and how the world sucks and blablablallllaaaaaa. Now... I HATE facebook. And people who write their lives in their status updates every 2 hours deserve to die. And for the next 4 days, every few hours or so she updated with am aggressive comment aimed at me. I kept me dignity and left the problems between us, between us. Not shared with 600 of our closest/whoarethesepeopleagain?. She escalated it everyday, lied about a few things more and even tried to make our boss to start doubting me. Anyway, everything back fired on her, she got fired, I moved out  not wanting to live with anyone acting so childish, smashing doors in my face but not being able to look at my face and really I was sick of the cocaine fiends and loud dubstep music blasting next to my room 'til 4 in the morning on Wednesdays.

I finally went to England. I'm in love. I knew I would be. I left for some job opportunity. Everyone was scared I would get sold to the black market but I wasn't afraid. No one knew the situation like I did and yes it was a bit risky but nothing I couldn't get myself out of I thought. It turned out wonderfully, I met amazing people and can't wait to go back for longer. I want to live there someday.

This brings me to my next thought. I'm not sure about this job opportunity anymore but what I've come to realise is that Men have alot of power. They run businesses and have money. And they are always willing to take the young, promising girl under their wing. They'll ask you how much you need, when you want to be working and if you need some extra to go shopping or a coffee maybe? I've never been one to really refuse a good offer, even if it's only based on looks and how many stars are in my eyes. But lately I find that too many men offer things that make no sense really, that exceed my worth and that when looked at it under a microscope, would end up screwing me over and leaving me someones lap dog or with nothing at all. You can't promise the worlds best job to someone and then say "we should go on a diner date". Men (women too but in different ways... I'm specifically thinking about moms right now) have this way of thinking that taking a girl out for nice diners in the finest restaurants, expensive shopping and travelling to exotic places will make this girl follow on a leash and beg for more every 3 days when they realise they haven't had sex with their wives in 7 months. It makes me sick. I'm a shopaholic, I love money and need it for all the travelling I want to do, but never would I be someones lap dog. I've started to become afraid to send c.v.s out because people will have my phone number. When I received a blocked call or a number I don't know, I don't answer it. It might seem vain that I think everyone wants a piece of me, but I've become somewhat parannoyed*. I turn my phone off at night, and keep it on silent whenever I'm with someone.

I probably have lots more to say, but my back is killing me and I can't sit like this anymore. I'll keep talking later...




Currently listening to Agnes Obel, Riverside

Found it!

I warned you. It's juvenile, full of mistakes and sometimes you can tell that I'm Francophone.

The Odd Crowd (the introduction)

On an island lived 7 kids. Orphans, each and everyone of them. They didn't have many things in common, in fact they were all very different, but one thing had brought them together, here, on this island. Nobody knew for sure. The want for something more? A curious mind? Exclusion? It didn’t matter, since they never wondered out loud. The first boy to arrive on the island was Romeo, the boy who was always ablaze. He felt ongoing agony. You would too if your flesh was burning forever. He would purposely get into fights with others just to distract his mind else and forget some of his pain. Apart from his strange, non sensical actions he was one of the wisest and most caring of the bunch. Probably the best hopeless romantic ever too. He held a grand fiery passion for everything. His fire could not be extinguished.


Then there was Jade. She was the stone carving of a girl. She had lost all her colours except for the mundane grey of a chiselled boulder and the green of her eyes. Every now and then, a hint of glimmer could be spotted in her eyes but, never could we be sure it was really there. Maybe a travelling sunshine’s ray was only reflecting on a sharp surface of her carved face and gave the illusion of a faint twinkle… Never would she speak a word which made it hard for others to understand her sometimes. They had named her Jade because of the only color she wore, or perhaps because she was jaded. The kids said she had never loved because her heart was also made of stone. Romeo was happy the day Jade arrived as he would never be lonely again. He could get close to Jade and not be afraid of burning her, which was a nice change. Some days, the two friends would go off on the mountain and Jade would build a house of clay or carve a statue of wood and lovingly watch Romeo destroy and burn down her creation with true passion.


Then along came Baby, the sunshine princess. She had golden brown hair with streaks the colour of her rays and eyes of the deepest blue, much like the colour of those rare blue butterflies. Her eyes were rarely seen since her rays were so strong and she would blind others. Jade thought her eyes reflected the glittering sea surrounding the island and past innocence she had once seen. Baby would light up any room she would step in. Most of the time, she walked around with her hands covering her eyes to protect them from her own blinding light. This got her in a lot of trouble as she wouldn't realize most things she would get herself into. Because of that she needed constant reassuring and opinions. Baby was beautiful and simple. She was everyone’s little cherie.


Lucky was the cat boy. He was vicious most of the time and scratched anything or anyone within claws reach. He pretended to be independent but showed affection on some rare occasions. Jade and Lucky fought a lot but it was never to hurt each other really. They had come from the same place and understood each other in some ways even though they had never told one and other. Jade could touch him. He would allow it, because she had tamed him. At some point Princess Sunshine had trained him too but will get to that some other time.


There was also the little witch. She had crawled in a bubble because someone had told her when she was young that life was better in there. Obviously, a few hours later, she wanted out but the bubble had been built a certain way that you could only get in and never out. She longed for human contact. No one wanted to get in her bubble, afraid that she would place a curse on them if they got too close. She was a witch after all. Aren’t curses what witches do best everyone thought? So she would get even more frustrated which made the others fear her even more. It was a big vicious circle, a bubble of problems. The little witch might seem horrible, and she was most of the time, but the group would not be complete without her.


Romeo wasn’t afraid to get near the little witch either as she was protected from his scorching flames. This is probably the only good thing about the witch’s bubble. This made them close friends. Romeo and the little witch would spend hours discussing past memories and upcoming events while Jade carefully listened. Together, they painted the prettiest pictures and made up the nicest dreams.


Sixth was Scream, the joker. He never wore a shirt. Said it would hinder his perfect ability to move swiftly around space. He had many scars of past battles with lions and snakes. He had a tall, slim body with broad shoulders. Only skin, bones and a mask. He would never take it off. He hid his face as well as his feelings behind it. He always said he was fine but the others knew that the smile on his mask meant nothing at all. Scream was deeply in love with sweet little lady.

She was a small porcelain doll with perfect pale poreclain skin. Cold blood red lips had been painted on her face and long, soft eyelashes dressed up her big dark eyes. Long, heavy, strawberry blonde hair would cascade down her shoulders like silk. She seemed to be the sweetest thing ever created but it was all games. Because dolls are meant to be played with. Only this time it was the other way around. She made people cry. Scream secretly loved dearly sweet little lady. He overlooked the fact she was two faced and manipulated people like clay as he had seen her do so with many other boys. He hid his true feelings behind his fake smile (not that he could get rid of it as it was painted on his mask).




So this is it. The odd crowd.

One day appart from eachother felt like two weeks without water.

Zombie March

I had my first meeting with designers Filthy Haanz last Friday. It was sick! We went to the studio, got to meet the guys (super chill, very chill, a bit too chill really), learn about the brand and get some gear. My internship is with Fashion 4 Freedom and our ultimate goal is to produce a huge fashion show to raise money for an organisation but along the way, we help local brands get some exposure. Filthy is one of those and I've been named account manager for them. The philosophy behind the name is great; getting your hands dirty and creating something. This is more of a lifestyle brand (the pieces being very simple and mostly casual (for now)) than a style brand. It's all good though, eating healthy, expressing yourself, diversity, etc... but this is what makes promoting these guys a bit of a challenge. People will be interested in the message, but actually spending some hard earned cash on them is another story. Without trying to dictate how they should change certain things about their label, we have to succeed in getting these guys known outside of their circle. For this, one of our tasks is too think of a publicity stunt to create a bit of buzz.


We are producing a fashion show for them on the 29th of October. Being close to Halloween and our theme being something like "Freaky Filthy" I got an idea.


What about getting the street team dressed up as zombies, wearing the gear all ragged up, bloody and pealing, limping around Montreal's hottest spots holding some sort of sign, handing out bait cards promoting the name and the show happening at the end of the month? Does this sound kindof fun and somewhat original? Do YOU have any COOL ideas?

Plus what kind of music should we play at the show? I was thinking along the lines of Witch House which is like the new cool genre right now and perfect for Halloween. One of the girls said something about Iron Maiden. Not so down with that idea...


http://www.filthyhaanz.ca/

My favorite witch house song right now:

Currently listening to Salem, Trapdoor

Lovelyfriends

I recently re-opened my Facebook + another "whore" account to help me get a hold of people and promote the launch parties, fashions shows and fundraisers I am working on. I'm still not okay with FB. I don't like it. I realise how much attention people need to be content and it bothers me tons. But anyway, I've managed to already find a few people that could be of great help to my new work. I've also started talking with some old friends again and have seen a few of them already. My girl gang from 2001 is now back together. Which is great. Good girls are hard to find, but these ones, no matter how long we are apart, are still always there, and the same. Maybe even a bit better.

I have this friend. She's so lovable. But lovable in the way that sometimes you find yourself saying : "oh sweetie..." in a sort of condescending way. She seems very naive and bubbly, and blond, but every now and then she says these extremely deep and mature things that just blow me away.

When I was younger, I had started working on a story, using my friends as the characters. I gave them strange names, out of this world looks and sometimes special powers. All of these things to amplify how they were in real life, kind of like a caricature. My lovable friend was named Princess Sunshine, for a few reasons. Maybe if I can find the story again, I'll post it.

She was telling me how when she was the happiest was when we were hanging out with that group of friends. How we would go out, playing the snow, fight, come back inside, play video games and not worry about anything coming up the next day. (seriously not worrying about anything, none of us were really in school or had jobs). This is why I had started that story back then. I thought it was great that we were all from different places and somehow ended up all together, kind of in the same situation, all angry inside or missing something. It was epic because we all needed to get the anger out, so we would fight (fight for real) with each other, and this way we helped each other. It was something we all needed. To belong with a group and express how we wanted.

I'll look for the story.. it has to be somewhere on this computer..! If only I remembered my Myspace password!

P.s. Went back home yesterday and saw my Christmas present! So exciting! When I was younger I didn't always get Christmas gifts and I still don't get them every year but recently (the last 5 years) my mom has been killing it! Good job mom!

Fire

I love someone who I am not in love with.
I am in love with someone who does not love me back.
Someone, whom I do not love, is falling in love with me.



It's way too easy to fall for someone. All that person has to do is fill that little hole you have, the rest doesn't matter.

I'm pretty happy right now. More happy then I've ever been I think. I have things to look forward too, things in my head are starting to make sense, I'm learning who I am. But there is one thing I'm missing. So it's normal that I would go looking for it, right?

I've been keeping busy, my mind hasn't wandered off to dark places so much, but still so many things remind me. All the time.

How have I been trying to fill the void? Dating. Or fucking really. I actually talk and hangout with them first but it always ends the same, and I never really want to. I think my roommates are starting to be upset with me at the number of new guys I bring home every week. It's all fun for me though, I've met cool people, people very different but also very similar to me. It's quite clear now that the world is full of amazing people. Not as many creeps as everyone thinks. But no one fits the bill. No one can make me feel as good as he did. So I keep looking. I have things to look forward to, but I want someone to look forward to.



Currently listening to Sufjan Stevens, The One I Love

October's got those orange eyes...

I love fall. So much. To me, fall is like new years. To me, fall is when everything begins.


I was doing my hair and makeup, listening to music with msn on. I'm always interested in what people are listening to so I pay close attention to my friends who turn on their "what I'm listening to" on msn. Between applying blush and combing my hair, I kept a close eye on one of my friend's playlist because he always seems to listen to cool new stuff.

Marcus Foster - Circle in the Square

City & Colour - What Makes a Man

hmmm...

I opened a chat window and said: "Feeling acoustic today?"

"Ya, folk really. Fall does that to me."

I agreed with him immediately as I had been listening to Oasis, Mumford & Sons and Right Away, Great Captain all morning. There are just so many things to look forward to (for me anyway) in fall.

- Folk/acoustic music as per my post.
-Apple picking and dreaming of having an orchard one day
- Baking sick apple pie and apple dumplings with the 60lbs of apples you just picked
- Pumpkin everything! Pies, bread, carving, etc
-HALLOWEEN (being allowed to be a complete freak and/or being something you always wanted to be. I love dress up)
-Foggy afternoons (love the mood it sets, makes great pictures too. Everything becomes mysterious, even a simple park, what an adventure!)
-Finally getting home after that foggy afternoon out in a mysterious park and putting on your new cosy slippers.
-All the best bands/artists seem to come to Montreal. Last year was epic in shows. I saw all but one band that were on my list of bands to see before I die (which are not already dead or no longer a band)
-Going on a walk one weekend and then taking that same walk the next week, but all the colours have changed.
-The smell of fallen leaves
-Helping my Grandpa rake the fallen leaves
-Layering your clothes, finally getting to wear that sweet hat and brand new old scarf you just got at the vintage shop.
-School starts, being motivated to work and study as hard as you can
-Being content with the awesome summer you just had
-Start to plan vacations, trips and the upcoming summer

My mom and I have started buying lottery tickets so that we could buy an orchard. We'd make our own cheese, have a few chickens, maybe 3 dogs, 2 horses and make cider and bake apple pies.


What are you dressing up as for Halloween? Or what's the best costume you've had? Favorite Autumn memory or thing to look forward to?



Currently listening to Blue Roses, Can't Sleep