Thursday, February 10, 2011

Resemblance, Demons & loss off control.


I've been gone. A long time. It's cool. Tons have happened. Between my last post and now I've been through, 3 breakups (with the same person), 1 move, 1 travel abroad, 3 great job opportunities, alot of confusion, a sprained ankle, a very peculiar birthday diner, bad holidays and the purchase of a 198$ elliptical that I built myself (with the help of Cody but I was supervising and figured out the problems each time there was something wrong. So really I built it.)

I'll be brief on everything, maybe I'll skip parts too. I don't know why today I felt like writing again, but I've been longing to be creative again and refuse to force inspiration on myself. I guess writing is a good start.

The breakups have happened just the same as they have before. 1 man tormented by all that has happened to him earlier in his life refuses to trust anyone completely, including me. This refusal creates tons of issues seeing as I am a very trusting person and don't always understand people's hate for other people. The first breakup was so full of passion, I hated the moment but I fed off of it. I love a good cry an words that you remember for the rest of your life. 2 more have happened 1 before the holidays and the last, right smack in the middle of em. I had a shitty Christmas, but my family is lovely so I guess it wasn't all bad. The words were exchanged, so now I know. He's getting more used to saying them more often too. I've seen a great improvement in his trust for me. And his control on his demons that usually come out on those nights were life is  a bit harsher on him and the ones we don't spend sleeping in the same bed. It scares me all the time, but his words are changing and instead of always saying it's him against the world, he now says it's him against the world but I'm here. A very good improvement I believe. It's mad how much I'm stupid dumb for him. I feel proud standing next to him, I want to own a house with him, I need to always have a quarter inch of skin touching his, I feel safe from his towering figure next to me and I've never wanted someone to be happy and get well so bad.

I've been going on a Natalie Portman marathon every since I saw Black Swan, although I'm really not sure where I stand on the greatness of this movie. I thought the artistic vision was beautiful and Natalie Portman can sure play a wonderfully annoying, low self esteem adult-child but alot of it seemed overdone or just plain tacky. But whatever. I finally saw Closer last night. And this one too.. I'm not sure if I enjoyed it or not. It's usually what I'm into but maybe being in this relationship, I've become somewhat suspicious of everyone and it left me feeling unsure of almost everything. What was worst is that by the end of the movie, I realized I was Alice - Or really Jane Jones. it disarmed me how much we are alike. I don't know how many times I've lied, used a different name, or just haven't told everything I knew. I have cheated and loved in the fault, I've wanted to start over, I always want to leave but in all this, I know exactly who I am. It's just I don't want anyone to know EVERYTHING about me. I had a midnight talk with an amazing girl, one of my good friends this winter. I told her alot of things I haven't told anyone, but still, she doesn't know everything. No one does. I'm so scared of being controlled. As soon as I feel stuck in a dead end or that I'm relying on someone other than me, I leave. I've done it many times. I think that's why I never tell anyone everything. But I've been pretty good on this blog. No you don't know everything, but you sure know a great deal of what has happened to me since last May at least. What came before... well that's not for the light-hearted..! Just kidding. But not really. Oh! On a different note, has anyone seen Crash? It's in my top 5 movies now. I was amazed by it.

Between the breakup, my roommate, sorry ex-roommate Audrey, decided she would finally lose it on me, just like she did with everyone else. I didn't want to go out on NYE. I felt like shit and only wanted to be with one person but couldn't. Our other roommate was throwing a party at a loft and Audrey was gonna tend the bar for him. I won't got in details but what happened is that, out of her good nature, she lied to me, trying to get me out of the house, but telling me she had told our roommate I was also going to work the bar so I had to be there. When I caught her lying, she went straight to her room then came back out and ignored me until she left. What she did when she went to her bedroom was post in her status some awful message about people constantly letting you down and how the world sucks and blablablallllaaaaaa. Now... I HATE facebook. And people who write their lives in their status updates every 2 hours deserve to die. And for the next 4 days, every few hours or so she updated with am aggressive comment aimed at me. I kept me dignity and left the problems between us, between us. Not shared with 600 of our closest/whoarethesepeopleagain?. She escalated it everyday, lied about a few things more and even tried to make our boss to start doubting me. Anyway, everything back fired on her, she got fired, I moved out  not wanting to live with anyone acting so childish, smashing doors in my face but not being able to look at my face and really I was sick of the cocaine fiends and loud dubstep music blasting next to my room 'til 4 in the morning on Wednesdays.

I finally went to England. I'm in love. I knew I would be. I left for some job opportunity. Everyone was scared I would get sold to the black market but I wasn't afraid. No one knew the situation like I did and yes it was a bit risky but nothing I couldn't get myself out of I thought. It turned out wonderfully, I met amazing people and can't wait to go back for longer. I want to live there someday.

This brings me to my next thought. I'm not sure about this job opportunity anymore but what I've come to realise is that Men have alot of power. They run businesses and have money. And they are always willing to take the young, promising girl under their wing. They'll ask you how much you need, when you want to be working and if you need some extra to go shopping or a coffee maybe? I've never been one to really refuse a good offer, even if it's only based on looks and how many stars are in my eyes. But lately I find that too many men offer things that make no sense really, that exceed my worth and that when looked at it under a microscope, would end up screwing me over and leaving me someones lap dog or with nothing at all. You can't promise the worlds best job to someone and then say "we should go on a diner date". Men (women too but in different ways... I'm specifically thinking about moms right now) have this way of thinking that taking a girl out for nice diners in the finest restaurants, expensive shopping and travelling to exotic places will make this girl follow on a leash and beg for more every 3 days when they realise they haven't had sex with their wives in 7 months. It makes me sick. I'm a shopaholic, I love money and need it for all the travelling I want to do, but never would I be someones lap dog. I've started to become afraid to send c.v.s out because people will have my phone number. When I received a blocked call or a number I don't know, I don't answer it. It might seem vain that I think everyone wants a piece of me, but I've become somewhat parannoyed*. I turn my phone off at night, and keep it on silent whenever I'm with someone.

I probably have lots more to say, but my back is killing me and I can't sit like this anymore. I'll keep talking later...

Currently listening to Agnes Obel, Riverside