Saturday, August 7, 2010

When reactions turn into hurricanes


So here's the deal on Cody. Cody always reminds me of one of those tall and slender anime characters. The one's with shiny smiles, self-confidence, composed, calm nature and contagious laughter. Cody was 6"5, blond hair, blue eyes and I met him at my salon a few months ago. My boss called him Hercules.

I've been seeing Cody for a few months now. But I think it's over. Probably for the best though. This guy is amazing. He's much older than me but looks and sounds only a few years my elder. He drives boats, knows how to fix things, he's an amazing cook, has pecs like you've never seen(I've never cared much for guys that workout but he looked great) and drives a red sports car. I think he knows who he is more than most people do when they die. He's all about being the greatest person you can be and living life well and to the fullest. He's dedicated. Stopped his business a few years ago, lives at home, takes care of his handicapped mom, his aging workaholic dad that can't cook or do laundry, his sick dog, keeping his house in order, all with a broken back. He is one of the toughest people I know.

I always want to know what this guy is up to. He's just so fun to hangout with and listen to. We started seeing each other every 2 days, leaving us one night to take it easy and sleep, to be in good shape for our next hangouts. The thing is, Cody is unlike anyone I've ever met. It's amazing but very confusing at times. He lost it at me in our beginning because I called him weird. I meant "weird" as in different, something I like. But he took it bad, told me he was "done", spoke to me in the coldest words ever spoken to me and left me in tears, not understanding a single thing. The next day we spoke again, turned out we had both not slept and decided to keep being friends, or whatever we were.
One of the reasons I haven't been sleeping well is that people text me late at night, so I'm always expecting a message and never shut my eyes completely. Cody gets really strange at night. I've wondered a few times if he's developing some sort of late night paranoia but I give him a break. He deals with so much and he's on tons of pills and is in pain and tired of his strenuous day. But almost every night I don't spend in his room, I get texts, that don't always make sense and make me nervous about our relationship. It's pretty stressful always being afraid to say the wrong thing and risking losing someone again. A few weeks later we got into an argument that we were seeing each other too much to not move forward. It had to move or end. That was fine with me, only I felt that I could still not hold his hand in public and kissing was reserved for the bed or when I'm about to leave. It was always a spy game against his parents. Coming in from the back door when they were sleeping or busy than exiting in the morning like a hooker that spent the night. I feel like he's embarrassed of me, because of where we met. Or maybe it's my tattoos - I don't' know. I've been wanting to meet his parents, so that I wouldn't have to hide anymore but I was afraid they wouldn't like me or be embarrassed too. I was hoping to introductions would be made many times but it's difficult, having to plan the meeting in advance as to not upset the sick mom and grumpy dad.

I got a call this morning. Around 4 I think. It was Cody. He was out partying with his friends even though he said he would stay in, take it easy and rest his back. The convo started like usual, nonsense of funny jokes and things that happened during the evening. At some point he had not even finished his sentence then just said: " I have to stop talking now I"m talking too much. I can't talk to you like I do with a friend."

I thought that was an extremely weird thing to say. I always like to hear him talk, even if I'm half asleep and I shouldn't be interested. I am. I then said "okay, why not? Aren't we friends at least?"

He didn't like that one bit. Changed his tone completely, started ripping me telling me that I'm playing little girl games and that I don't have his back and why would I say something like that? I thought we were more than friends?

Then I got really confused. I said: Exactly we are more than friends, so that means you should at least be able to talk to me like friends." And then he went on, saying he was done. I was fake. I'm just a little girl who knows nothing. He treats me like a princess and I don't know what I want. I said okay, you're right. But I never said I wasn't a little girl or that I knew what I want. I'm well aware that I don't know what I want, and that I'm immature. It took him a while for him to tell me his age in the beginning, but then he said age didn't matter. I thought he meant it for both ways, but I guess I was too young. He then went on to say he's met girls like me before, we're no good, I half to stay in my apartment, do my own shit and stay out of his life. Harsh eh? This all came out of nowhere. So once again I'm left, confused as fuck, feeling like the worst kind of backstabbing person in the world. Just for wanting to be spoken to openly about anything, like a friend would do. Anyway, I tried to argue that this made no sense and that he didn't get what I said. That I didn't say anything bad but he wouldn't hear it. He asked, no ordered me to hang up on him multiple times but I kept trying, because I thought I should fight for it, I mean I really do care about him. And then he said he would make me cry and I should just leave him alone. Then he called me garbage and hung up on me.

I didn't cry. I knew this was coming. I was always afraid to say something in the wrong intonation or use a word he didn't like. It's probably better off this way. I just wish he believed me when I say nothing I did was fake. I was always honest with him. I guess the age difference was an issue after all.

I never said I was a woman. I know I'm lost and confused, but I'm enjoying finding out. I have tons of issues; no father figure, rough childhood, anxiety, sickness, but I know all this, and I never pretended once to deny these things. You can't be upset at someone for not being something they never said or believed to be. That's all I have to say.
Currently not listening to anything. It's too early in the morning, don't want to wake up anyone else after that phone call.


  1. Wow Fox- that was a doozy!

    I read paragraph one and thought "wow... this guy sounds great! Can I borrow him to cook me somethin?"

    But then after that I was like "Um... okay. Psycho! Mood swings, tempers, irrational, paranoid, insecurity, drugs, a 'martyr' syndrome, all while you explain his behavior away and try not to offend His Majesty"

    Maybe a little harsh, but all I have to go on is what you say. Hmm.

    The 'sneaking in and out like a hooker thing'. Exactly. It might be fun at the very very beginning for some reason, but for the most part if you let someone treat you like a hooker, they'll treat you like a hooker.

    Which, agreed, can be fun.

    But you could probably add that to your "well at least I know I don't want THIS" list.

    Turn your phone off at night.


  2. A doozy... Like, a 'whopper' or a 'good one' or 'insert some exaggerated phrase"

    You could say...

    1. [about a nice car] Wow! That's a real doozy!
    2. [Referring to an injury like a big bruise or cut] Yikes- that's a real doozy!
    3. [checking out a girl's boobs] Holy Schnieky's! You got some real doozies there!

    Make sense?

    I hear ya, Fox. But separate yourself from his okay-ness. He's an adult, right? He'll be fine. Not to be stereotypical, but you women have a mothering instinct that is as awesome as it is likely to get you into bad situations.

    Watch yourself!


  3. hmm

    you're right.

    Thanks for explaining doozy!