Friday, July 16, 2010

The Roommate Chronicles: Part 1


Having moved in with 3 roommates in a house that is "everyone's home", I think I will now be more of an observer to other people's lives than my own.

So back to yesterday... A few weeks ago, when Audrey moved in our house, she met one of the guy's buddies. They hit it off right away. It was extremely sudden. Like, BAM! We walked in the door and this guy just comes into the kitchen, looks at her and only her and then just bombards her with questions such as: Where do you come from? Do you practice Jiu Jitsu? cause I do. and where do you work?(to my surprise, she answered this one honestly. So she's uncovered both our secrets to this guy she had barely met 15 minutes ago. Can I trust her around my parents? I think not). Anyway, they were close all evening sitting on each other's laps and such and around 1:30 a.m. they were both nowhere to be found, with Audrey's bedroom door closed. It was all very quick. They then spent some time together up North, making out and holding hands publicly having sleepovers and eating breakfast together.

Yesterday, our roommate Paul called us to let us know that we were hosting again tonight. So all day I had to listen to Audrey gushing over her new man and how she couldn't wait to see him and fuck him and ride him, and "ugh, I'm so fucking horny right now" and other dirrty scenarios of the sort. She said she only cared about the sex. I didn't believe her though. She said that, no, she doesn't get attached so quickly, it's stupid. And I thought okay. I was like that once.

So a dozen people show up, meanwhile I'm losing my mind trying to build a 4 shelf shoe rack locked in my bedroom with the a/c on full blast( I figured it out on my own. Couldn't wait for a slow roommate. Too hot too sleep.. or build shoe racks). Then Audrey's boy shows up, all seems well. I'm in my bedroom but they come by a few times either to say hi, bring me a spicy rum and 7up or ask for my nail clipper and every time they're hooked on each other's arm, smiling, being a happy little couple. An hour and a half later, I've given up on my shoe rack( srsly, how hard is it to build a fkn shoe rack! I need a handyman in my life...) and try to setup my hooks on the wall. My door opens slowly as I'm marking the wall with my mascara(I don't know where I packed my markers...)and a sad face with big watery cat eyes pokes in. "What's wrong?" I say. She says nothing, looks to the ground, backs away and closes the door. I know what that means. So I go to find her. Not with the people like she normally is, so I go to her room, all dark, and find her on the edge of the bed with her drink in hand and tears running down her face. It really looked like we were part of a sitcom. I sit next to her and rub her thigh and ask her what's wrong again. She says nothing for a few minutes than says: " He told me what I didn't want to hear. He says he's a free bird." Then she starts spilling all of it in a deluge of slurs and tears. She tells me everything she told him and how he probably got "freaked out" cause it's too soon. At this point I realize there's only 1/8th of the rum bottle left and I've barely touched it. I tell her to stop drinking and she pulls away from me, leaves the room banging every single door in the place while shouting loud "fucks" intermittently. I follow her around, making sure she doesn't embarrass herself too much. There are lots of people out there and you don't want to be the new crazy roommate, so I try to keep her calm. She then goes outside and calls for me to join. Now I've been slaving away all night in my room so I don't know half the people there and as soon as a put a foot down on the deck she yells out that I've come out of my cave and everyone applauds. I don't get red when I'm shy, but it got a whole lot hotter where I was standing... We sit for 3 minutes and some guy comes over and starts talking to Audrey about her guy, but he has no idea about the free bird incident. So she starts sobbing again, in front of everyone, then makes to most noise a 5"4 girl can make all the way to the kitchen to get yet another drink. She then stumbles her way up the ladder to the roof so I follow her to make sure she doesn't do something stupid. Once on the roof, she stands really close to the edge just staring at her guy down on the deck and it's dead silence. The whole group is watching, and I'm a few steps back trying to hide cause I'm embarrassed but close enough to be able to catch her. She then goes on a rant about guys and commitment issues and all that stuff, still, while everyone is watching us from below. After a few minutes she stops and starts pacing on the roof. She talks about this one time when she jumped 5 stories and didn't even break a bone. She shouts everything, and is always close to the ledge. I start to get really nervous. She's an extremist this girl. She said she could jump. I say: I know, you did once.

The night goes on like this. At some point she ran away. I didn't bother to follow. She cried more, went back outside and ranted and dissed some more. I was tired, real tired, since that damn shoe rack situation so I went for a shower, got in my pj's and went to bed.

In the morning I found a dirty hooker in last night's makeup passed-out on the couch. I sat next to her, shook her leg, pulled the blanket off her head and she smiled.

"What happened last night?!"

p.s. When I stopped by on my way back home to get some rum, I got Audrey to mail the flask! It's coming Caleb!

Currently listening to Sink,Florida,Sink, Against Me!


  1. Besides all the drama and drunken tears…I think you wrote this beautifully. You even added a dramatic picture to give me that “falling-vertigo” feeling as well. More tales, please. =)

  2. Wait a minute- you trusted AUDREY to this task?

    We need some lessons on delegation young lady.

    Is she 16 or what? "turns out the guy I met and fucked less than a day ago doesn't want to commit!"

    In other shocking news, water is wet.

    Poor girl. You're offering her training, right?

    You had dirty hookers at your place?


  3. She was sober and within a 100m parametre from me. I can run fast, just not for too long.

    They banged many times! And he's said quite nice things to her. Like things that sound sorta commited. But anyway. This is boring to me.

    There's always at least one dirty hooker at my place.